The Disease to Please

‘The Disease to Please’ — *Marshall Goldsmith & Sally Helgesen identify this as the Number 8 challenge holding women back.

Our thoughts:

According to Helgesen & Goldsmith, this “disease” stems from an unselfish passion for making others happy. But there’s a lot going on here.

Socialisation plays a big role — girls are still largely taught to be nice and helpful. No wonder it feels ‘natural’ to us! Educational and workplace streaming often sees women in helping, less valued roles, while fields like engineering, IT, and commercial development remain male-dominated.

Informal roles — organising meetings, taking minutes, mentoring, welcoming new staff — are often taken on by women, or simply expected of them. While some of this is shifting, research shows the trend persists.

Helpfulness can be an asset early in our careers, but over time it becomes a hidden burden. We carry our own responsibilities plus multiple add-ons — often without recognition - inevitably leading, over time, to exhaustion and errors.

So, what does this mean?

Firstly, as leaders let’s truly ‘see’ what’s going on in our organisations and let’s shine a light on these 'informal' roles which are in fact invaluable'. The organisation will be much worse off if the informal connecting, integrating, and mentoring disappear – so, rather than avoiding ‘getting caught’ with these roles yourself or leaving them slip through the cracks or fall in the lap of another woman, we suggest you make a conscious effort to have these contributions included in formal job specs and reviews - and praise and appreciate those women and men who create value in this way for your organisation.

It is also worth remembering: when you help too much, you may deprive a colleague of valuable learning. Shifting from direct help to a coaching approach — helping others think through their own solutions — can be a game changer.

As women, we also need to be savvier about how we help. Let’s value our time and expertise more, for example, by ‘saying yes more slowly’.  Michael Bungay Stanier, in his book The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever offers great advice on this topic. Try responding with:

·        “If I could give you 15 minutes, what’s the most useful way I can help?”

·        “I’m heavily committed today, but I can give you 30 minutes Friday morning — come back to me then if you still need help.”

·        “If I could do one thing, what part would you want me to do?”

So, start experimenting and see what happens!

P.S. There’s another really important input here – Do you know what your Leadership Intention or North Star is? Once you know what you, in your heart, want to be and the impact you want to create your life you will automatically know where to direct your talent, capacity, energy and focus!

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*Marshall Goldsmith & Sally Helgesen's book, 'How Women Rise: Breaking the 12 Habits Holding You Back' is worth reading over and over.

We're sharing a series of reflections on their 12 Habits based on our own experience; hope we spark some ideas for you!